thought daughter...
welcome to my journal its really just a thought dump as of now, i'll improve it when i have more entries hekhek
let me oute
AUGUST 31, 2024
hi i just wanted to get a last aug entry before sept starts :3 honestly, this month hasnt been that bad but i have been facing a lot of realizations in my life where i need lots of change.. me when my brain is continuously developing XD tomorrow is a new month and i know it will be much much more hectic as we approach mid terms and im honestly not ready for that.. in times like these id like for the me who would burn herself out chasing good grades to come back because i really dont have much academic motivation left in me but i still want to get high grades. such a silly dilemma but far too hard for me to do because i feel if i exert effort into my academics like i did before i'll get addicted to the high again and i dont want to have to pick myself back up again while everyone else seems fine... on a lighter note i wish i could read more during school. i have a mindset that i cant read when i have work because then i wont process what im reading to the fullest and id really like to shake that thinking off but idk how to. i'll figure it out in time.
now on to something not academic related.. jujutsu kaisen is about to end omg... im freeee!! the recent chapter has given me a lot of mixed feelings because im happy to see the trio together again but i think sukuna honestly should have had a better death i liked him too much as a villain. also sad not to see much acknowledgement of gojos death but maybe thats just because im a gojo truther i hope they revive him i dont care if thats bad writing atp i need him back... i'll consider it a bday gift from gege if theres content of him for next weeks chapter lol
AUGUST 3, 2024
ate up the second week of school. it went by pretty fast tbh, most of my subjects are still being pretty chill so i dont have much to say about that. i mentioned on my profile that ive been getting into yuri lately and its great actually. im happy i only got into it now because i feel like i wouldnt have appreciated the stories as much if i read them in an earlier time in my life.. my current favorite is getting to know grace its like actual crack to me. i might make that yuri page soon especially because august has a lot of holidays i want to share my reviews on them even though ive only read below 10 LAWLLL im a slow reader not in the sense that it takes me days to finish one story because i can finish one in a couple of hours, but in the sense that i need to take multiple business days to let whatever i read marinate in my head first before i can start another one. like there was a twitter comic a few weeks back where it was like someone saying 'you should get into x media' and the other guy saying they were scared to do so because what if they get obsessed on it which would then make them abandon their current favorite media and then it'd be a waste because of all the time theyve spent on it.. IDK how to properly describe the comic TT but thats generally what it was and thats what i feel too, hence the marinating. anyway in relation to the entry in july 7 i lowkey think i might be transmasc but like i have school and responsibilities so idrc about that rn (ScaredAsian, 2022)
JULY 28, 2024
First week of school DONE.. it was alright i guess, nothing super important happened. the first day was so draining because it was just back to back orientations of things ive known for years smh. i havent met all my teachers yet, but so far theyre all really nice. my classmates are okay, just like three people i dont like lol ones just insufferable and the other two are plain disrespectful people i wont elaborate on them bc i dont want this entry to be about them. i honestly expect this school year to be much more rigorous which i am Not ready to lock in for.. at least i have my friends to slack off with LOL. i havent even gone school supplies shopping yet TT i might disappear for the entire year again, but i really do not want that to happen so i need to improve my time management skills too. i hope this year will be kind to me... thats all for now i dont have much else to say :3
JULY 7, 2024
hmm this is quite a personal entry to me but i literally cannot get these thoughts out of my head so i might as well share them to the web xD ... i've been dealing with a lot of recent thoughts of my gender and my feelings toward femininity. it all started when i saw a reel that said ''what if im just masc because the world never told me i was pretty when i was feminine?" and WOWWW that opened up a whole box of feelings ive been ignoring since 2020. ive been unlabeled since then because i never really saw a need to put a label on my gender, im just me. none of the labels that felt as close as to how i feel about my gender were right for me either. the closest label i had for a while was greygender, but it still never really felt right to me. i was attached to the idea of femininity inside but preferred and was more comfortable with wearing 'masculine' clothes. looking back to the past few years, i feel like my attachment to femininity was a product of my environment. all of my irl friends are cis and fit right into what society sees as a girl--long hair, pretty skirts and bdresses and jewelry, soft makeup, and so on. i wont lie and say i never felt envious of them for so easily fitting into societys standards while i struggle with how i want to look. i always feel like im not in the right body when i wear 'girly' clothes. all of highschool i would look at them and wonder why i look so wrong and out of place whenever i try to wear the same clothes they do. why it feels like im trying too hard if i wear anything else on my face other than tinted lip balm. all my clothes are shirts and pants, the only dress i have is meant for formal events and wearing it really makes me feel bad and im back to wondering why i cant just feel pretty like everyone else. and whenever thoughts like these would arise again and linger too long i just surpress them because i know that theres a deeper problem here that i was just not ready to face yet. however because of that reel + having nothing to distract me because its summer, i cant stop contemplating how i want to express myself from now on. i really have just been attached to wanting to fit in with society which caused my desire for the standard expresion of femininity. but i know now that that is definitely not who i am. with a conclusion like this, youd think my feelings wouldve been resolved but i feel like im still stuck in the same position as i have been for years. even if ive come to terms that fem presentation is not for me, i dont really have a choice but to keep presenting as so. its too unsafe for me to try and explore more masc presentation. as of now, the simple shirts and pants combo is still safe because well everyone wears those lol but what happens when i branch out from that? i dont have the courage to do so especially because i live in a conservative household and i reallyyyy am not comfortable with being percieved as someone 'different' by my peers. ive seen how they act towards fellow lgbt peers and especially towards tomboys. im just not ready for that kind of attention on me.
thats kinda it for now zzzz i feel like i still have more to discover about myself in the future. maybe this is far too common of an experience and i just realized it way later than others but at least i have now.
JUNE 22, 2023
a few weeks ago i bought a second hand digi cam and it only came w its orig battery because i was mindless and didnt check the inclusions beforehand.. now the battery doesnt charge fully and goes down to what im assuming is only around 30% after only a few minutes of using even though its been charging for hours :( its distressing me bc that means id have to buy a new battery and the thought of even bringing that up to my parents.... I know that they were okay w me buying the digicam in the first place but asking to buy anything that isnt a necessity or a need for academic purposes always has made me extremely guilty n___n
JUNE 21, 2023
my toxic trait is i dislike the things i make after the satisfaction of making smth wears off. i have to refrain myself from looking at my pages so i dont feel the overwhelming urge to delete them all :facepalm: anyway ive been reading the remarried empress lately and i finally reached ch80 which is the continuation of the prologue and it was satisfying as hell :3 i love navier sm, shes so elegant and classy. fun fact the reason why i started reading it was because while i was looking for smth to pass time with, i remembered that an old friend of mine started reading it at the height of the pandemic and it was all she posted about for a while. i havent talked to her since may 2020 though i wonder if she still follows this webtoon ...
JUNE 20, 2023
aughhh finally got this up i'll make it prettier l8r. for some reason ms gothic is the only font that works on my pages and idk why its v irritating I wanna use diff fonts!! anyway june went by really fast for me like how is it already june 20 ..